I am such a nerd that when I’m not writing about vampires for my job, I’m writing about vampires for my own entertainment.
Specifically, I’m currently playing a Bishop in our local Sabbat LARP.1 At our game this past weekend, my character, Dottore Balanzone, decided to give a Sermon of Caine. Instead of doing the usual kind of sermon, though, I rewrote an old Egyptian myth specifically to insult the Followers of Set (whom our characters are currently fighting with). The Setite elder who walked into our game right before I started was just the icing on the cake.
To be clear, not much of this is original – it’s lots of pieces of translated Egyptian stores that have been summarized, boiled down, rewritten, and added to. I kept the original cadence of these stories at the beginning and the end specifically to evoke the original myths, instead of the more typical pseudo-Catholic cadence you get in Sabbat sermons.
And no, it’s not an official White Wolf anything – just a bit of geekery that a couple folks at the game liked, so I’m sharing it more widely.
My brothers and my sisters, gather around that I may tell a tale. This is not a tale of Caine, our Dark Father, but the time that came after, of the petty false gods that walked the earth after him.
In those days, not as ancient as the land of Nod, but still ages before our reckoning, there was one known as Osiris. He was the great-grandson of Ra and the first Pharaoh of Egypt. His Queen, Isis, was the first Queen. They ruled for many ages together, for the world was still young and the kine lived longer than they do now.
Osiris had a brother called Set. Set was proud and noble, but he coveted the throne of Osiris. He coveted Isis. He coveted the power of the throne, and he desired to take it from his brother. He tricked Osiris into being trapped in a magic box, which Set hurled into the Nile. He claimed Isis as his Queen, and the other false gods cowered before Set.
Isis, however, did not give up on her husband. She searched the Nile for the box. Upon finding it, she tore it open and wept over the lifeless body of Osiris. She carried the box back to Egypt and cast a spell. The spirit of dead Osiris entered her and she did conceive and bear a son whose destiny it would be to avenge his father. She called the child Horus, and hid him on an island far away from the gaze of his uncle Set.
Over the years, Horus grew to manhood and strength. Set sent many serpents and demons to kill Horus, but he defeated them. When he was ready, his mother Isis gave him great magic to use against Set, and Thoth (a cheap magician the Egyptians claimed as the master of knowledge) gave him a magic knife.
Horus sought out Set and challenged him for the throne. Set and Horus fought for many days, but in the end Horus defeated Set and castrated him. He threw his flaccid cock to the Nile, where it was eaten by a crocodile.
But Horus was weak, and would not kill Set. Both men pressed their claim for the throne of Osiris. The false gods picked their sides, supporting one or the other, and soon they were plunged into war. Eventually Horus’ claim was seen as the correct one, and Set was cast into the darkness, where he lives to this day.
Osiris could not defeat Set. Horus cut the balls from Set, but would not finish what he has started. It falls to the children of Caine, those who understand murder and righteous vengeance, to set right what the petty and false gods could not do on their own.
Lo, this is my tale. Keep it in your hearts and give it to others, as I gave it to you.
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- The picture above is actually not my current character, but the Lasombra Cardinal (and later Regent) that I played back in 2001. But you get the idea. ↩